The Glass is Half Empty

When most people look at my city's beautiful landmark,
the Golden Gate Bridge, they feel good.

When I look at it, I think of the eleven workers who
plunged to their deaths while building the thing.

Kermit Moore; O.A. Anderson; Chris Anderson;
William Bass; O. Desper; Fred Dümmatzen;
Terence Hallinan; Eldridge Hillen; Charles Lindros;
Jack Norman; and Louis Russell.

Remember them, you goddamn happy people.

Famous 19th Century Baseball Players

Kid Mann
Redfaced O'Rourke
Frankie the Papist
Saloon Houlihan
Dutchy the Kraut
The Maynooth Moron
The Splendid Dandy
Tuberculosis Thompson
Fats McIlvane
Frenchy the Cuban
Adolph "The Jew" Hammerstein
Liquor Lemmon
Ed "Ginger Fists" Connors
Gangrene Legs Grayson
Giancarlo The Anarchist Shortstop
Rory "Lady" McMurson
Sober Sibley
Teddy "Nigger" Swedenborg

Crying a lot

Now that's life!

Famous Serial Killers

Dapper Dan
The Mormon Mangler
The Freeway Faggot
Bloody Claws Hanrahan
The Burlington Boy Eater
Rape Johnson
Fingernails Furman
Neil, the Creepy Piece of Shit
Harvey the Hobbit
Basement O'Sullivan
The Brain-Damaged Ice Cream Man
Bubbles!
The Cheesecake Factory
The Penis Chewer
The Vagina Carpenter
Wet Sheets Wilson
Vietnam Vernon
Officer Nailgun
The Man With The Van
Soundproofed Selznick
Carl "Jennifer" Burnside
Jimmy the Worm
The Most Evil Hippie
George "Skinner" Skinner
The Dallas Decorator
Quiet Boy
Woodshed Waverley
Donnie the Critter
The Pied Piper of New Jersey

What have you done that most people haven't?

1. Shot heroin
2. Gay sex
3. Seen the Melvins
4. Been arrested while wearing Rollerblades
5. Flipped off the moon

What have you never done in life?

Post your own list.

1. I've never seen "Ghostbusters."
2. I've never done acid.

Bar Romance

Girl: Hi there.

Boy: What the fuck is your deal?

Girl: I saw the glowering masturbator
with his ass crack showing and I thought,
"I want to be a part of that."

Boy: Are you listening to these people?
They're talking about the copper sculptures
they're making for their senior theses.

Girl: You hate art too?

Boy: You seem lonely and damaged. I can
tell because you're talking to me.

Girl: I'm a grad student.

Boy: You're a fucking academic. You're part of
the problem. You take everything that's interesting
and cool about the world and beat it to death.

Girl: So what do you do to earn your oxygen on
this rock?

Boy: I'm a forklift driver.

Girl: Really?

Boy: No. I work in a warehouse but the forklift
drivers hate me. They have their own enclosure
with a TV and Marilyn Monroe posters.

Girl: I'm bored.

Boy: Let's go to your place.

Girl: Alright. I'm parked around the corner.

Boy: Jesus, you have a driver's license? Bring the
Aston Martin at once, double-oh-seven.

Girl: You don't have a driver's license?

Boy: Shut up and load me into the backseat,
Roger Moore.